Following the Breadcrumbs

Who would have thought a secondhand book would lead me here. I was intrigued by the title 'The Intimacy of Death and Dying' written by Claire Leimbach, Trypheyna McShane and Zenith Virago. I had not long trained as a Celebrant and so I thought it might help me with Funeral Celebrancy. Well, no it didn't but I was fascinated by the concept of what I later understood to be an End of Life Doula.

Strangely enough, one of the stories in the book was actually about my astrology teacher's teacher (her name was unusual so it was easy to recognise the connection. Even more crazy, a man I knew stayed at the woman's air bnb that had written that particular chapter. I love that and definitely allow myself to be led by those beautiful 'co-incidences'.

Fast forward 3 months and I booked in to undertake an End of Life Doula course run by Helen Callanan at Preparing the Way in May 2019. I was captivated by the learning and having been a Registered Nurse all of my adult life decided to go down the doula path.

I started doula'ing sooner than I expected when the love of my life and father of my children was diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer the following month. We were devastated. Our sons were 17 and 20 years old. The only way I could deal with it was to assume the doula role. While Ron was undergoing treatment, I arranged for Ron to see a solicitor (free legal aid for cancer patients) to organise a will, Power of Attorney and Enduring Guardian. I designed a document for him called 'Instructions for Loved Ones' and together we completed the Advanced Care Directive. An Advance Care Directive is a document that primarily expressing the person's wishes around end of life.

In my role as an End-of-Life Doula, I attended all Ron's medical appointments and treatments with him. At times I needed to advocate for him particularly when he didn't understand what was happening or when he couldn't find his own voice. Ron bravely attended radiotherapy and chemotherapy and then major surgery. He was in and out of Intensive Care and the hospital ward for 2 months and I was with him every day and many nights.

Following hospitalisation, I helped him with going to appointments, diet, exercise and general day to day tasks. He slowly recovered as best he could and even went back to work for a year or so and I went back to care work.

At the end of 2022, Ron lost his voice and within a couple of months, he was choking on his food. He was diagnosed with a 'head and neck cancer' and was offered palliative radiotherapy which if it worked, would give him 2 years. It worked however not where it was needed and ultimately despite our concerns, the doctors finally realised that he was entering end of life.

I felt so grateful that I was a doula and I was able to bring him home from a short stay in hospital. We again were all devastated and whilst Ron was sad, he was incredibly brave as he had been all the way through his 'cancer journey'. He told me at some stage, that he was extremely grateful that I had helped him organise his life (refering particularly to the legals) and told me it actually brought him so much peace.

In those last days, friends from near and far came to see him or rang or texted him. We washed him, we took care of all his needs. Ron, our sons and myself helped him to organise his memorial. It was such a beautiful, sad, sacred, special, heartbreaking time. Ron felt so loved and cherished despite the difficulties he was having.

I was able to work alongside the palliative care nurses who were very relieved to have me there as they were stretched in terms of time and resources. Towards the end of the final two weeks, the nurses could see that I was tiring and talked about getting a 'special bed' in so that support workers could come in. I didn't really want it as I would have happily and lovingly looked after him for as long as he was with us.

On Saturday 29th July around midday, I told Ron that the palliative care nurse was just about to arrive - he whispered to me 'please don't let them take my bed' and I promised him that I would not let them. I told the nurse in front of him and she said that was fine. Almost immediately he went into the active dying stage. As if he had no more concerns.

Our sons and I were with him when he died in the early hours of 30th July. We were asleep beside him but we were there. I had fallen asleep at around 12.30 am after giving him medication and I awoke at 2 am suddenly realising that I could not hear him anymore.

As I had organised a Certificate of Impending Death from Ron's gp, I simply phoned the ambulance to verify his death and then we sat in vigil with him for the next 6 hours before our nominated funeral directors to him into their care. Ron did not want to be viewed or kept at home for friends to visit.

Ron gave me the best gifts = our sons Will and James, his love and his end-of-life journey. I am so pleased that I followed those breadcrumbs that led me to the role of End-of-Life Doula.